Too brown vajayjay

My friend sent me an article which basically talk about a new product in India which target our vaginas. Like we don’t already have enough on our plate with all the painful hair removals, beauty regimes and what not, we’ve gotta add bleaching our vaginas because its too brown? WTF

Yes, you men will whine about all our imperfections but lets be real, if any girl spread her legs for you, you’re getting in there no matter what colour her vagina is.

Im gonna call this EXTREME vagina RACISM.

Click here to read the article.

FYI, before watching the advert for this insane product, I was wondering what kind of ideas I would come up with for this stupid ad if I were to be heading this project. You kinda have to be sensitive in delivering the news “hey your vagina not only stinks, but it looks like shit”. On top of that, its a TVC so theres loads of restrictions. I think my ad would have a loser wife waiting on her hubby, cuts to scene with her hubs with a fairer lady smiling laughing being a douche bag husband .. and BAM she uses this new magical skin whitening product and he is back in her arms.

Truth is, the only reason any woman would use this product is to please her man, just like why we go for painful waxes and facials and waste hours doing our hair, make up etc.. it’s not because we enjoy the pain but its because we know you boys like it. The only thing that we don’t really do for you guys is clothing. I find that girls usually dress up to impress other girls not boys. Boys usually don’t notice minor changes like hair trims and light colouring and defo not so focused on what we’re wearing unless its super skanky with our boobs peeping out. Oh well, watch the ad below!

How would you have done the ad?

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Cleo Bachelors 2012!

Hi all!

If you have not gotten yourself a copy of Cleo April issue, DO IT NOW!

I’ve been waiting for this issue to come out forever as both Craig and James got in!! I was away in HK earlier this week and only managed to get my copy today!! unfortunately for me.. everyone looks like shit. No wonder i’m still single. Even though I love my friends to bits, they look like absolute trash in the shoot, especially James.. he didn’t photograph well (i don’t think anyone did) :(. Craig didn’t look half as bad. Having said that, they are probably the least ugly amongst everyone else. There is also one other potential Lawrence Wong.. but thats about it.

Sigh, CLEO didn’t do a good job this year, they got sloppy and picked any tom dick and harry on the streets. I’m pretty sure there were hotter ones in the previous years, the winners were always decent (think Henry Golding). Now we know there really is a shortage of quality men in KL.

I thought of putting 5 best and worst.. but I can only think of 3 top ones (2 which are at the top for obvious reasons) and 47 horribles. HAHA

Nevertheless please vote for my BFF and contributor to this blog JAMES as well as CRAIG.

Top 3

Lawrence Wong

The one with the most potential!

Craig Morraies

He doesn’t look too shabby here. I’ve known him since we were in primary school together!! 🙂

James Thoo

Unfortunately James did not photograph well here :(. He wouldn’t have made the top 3 if he wasn’t my best friend hahah. Love u either way.. FYI he looks a lot better in person, not so old like in the pic and a lot like Colin Ferrell.

Now to the UGS list.

 teen wolf

lets take a closer look.

I could see him play characters from the 1920’s. Gentleman with a walking stick and tux on a daily basis.

He’s a lil bit too feminine for my liking

He looks like a punk with ugly facial hair. I hate guys who cant pull of the scruffy look.

He looks like he’s 10. 0_0.. and has a little bit of that smirky Edison Chen look. I hate u Edison.

So VOTE FOR JAMES OR CRAIG!

x



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airport fashion.

what do you wear when you’re about to board a flight?

sloppy dresser

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 tank, jeans and alannah hill cardi.

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comfy havaianas. I wear them with pretty much everything on a daily basis. 

 

 

Good Job on Transformers, Michael Bay!

Of all of the gems of pop culture from my childhood, the animated Transformers Movie is the one that really stuck with me. I joined Daniel and Arcee when they cried over the dead (and for no apparent reason, black) body of Optimus Prime. I high-fived my imaginary friends when Hot Rod belatedly grew a set of nuts and assumed leadership of the Autobots. And I threw up my lunch in venomous disgust when that mongoloid Ultra Magnus just up and surrendered the Matrix to Galvatron like a bitch.

It was Flaubert who once mused that “exuberance is better than taste”. But he couldn’t possibly have known that Michael Bay would be in his position of power some 120 years after his death, so we shouldn’t hold that against him. The Bay adaptations started out mediocre and got worse from there. Exponentially so. Screenwriters Roberto Orci and Alex Kurtzman did an admirable job in writing an interesting story for the first film while at the same time managing what would add up to stupid costs for CGI robot rendering. When it was last checked around Hollywood, the general estimate for the price to render a fully transformed Optimus Prime sat at around sixty five bajillion dollars and one healthy human child. This was problematic for the producers as a bajillion dollars is an imaginary unit of measurement and not all of them have kids.

That said though, Bay took what was a very commendable first film and aspired to make it “bigger and better”, by making the action scenes twice as difficult to understand, keeping Megatron looking like he transformed into a set of expensive silverware, and cranking up the Sam’s mom humor that a total of three pot heads enjoyed in the first film. He also felt that the addition of racial stereotype transformers would improve things. They did not. Ditto for metal testicles on Devastator.

Let us compare the original 1986 masterpiece; Transformers: The Animated Movie and Michael Bay’s modern day trilogy; Transformers, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, and Transformers: Dark of the Moon

PROTAGONIST

The main character in the animated Transformers Movie was Hot Rod, who was annoying and also a colossal fuck up. He single-handedly causes the demise of the most iconic Autbot in the species’ history and then spends the rest of the movie making fun of an old war hero and complicitly playing second fiddle to the only Transformer more worthless and inept than he is – Ultra fucking Magnus.

However, what we do experience in this movie (that it should be pointed out is aimed at children), is genuine character development. Hot Rod begins the movie as a tempestuous rebel who spends his days fishing with Daniel and disrespecting Kup’s construction projects. But over the course of the film he learns about responsibility and by the end he assumes leadership of the splintered Autobots and fulfills his destiny by unlocking the Matrix. It’s one of the most basic and oft-seen character arcs in literature but that doesn’t make it any less real or fulfilling to watch play out.

The same cannot be said for Shia LaBeouf’s Sam Witwicky character whose only real internal change from the beginning of the trilogy to the end is that he has prefers chicks with British accents to American ones. He is still irresponsible, he still sasses his parents, he is still selfish. And he still doesn’t respect authority. Not parental authority, mind you, but legitimate, top level military and legal authority. Sam still doesn’t give a shit. He has a degree by the end of Dark of the Moon, and a job, and a girlfriend with a British accent, but there is no growth as a character at all. He learns no lessons. Over the course of three two hour long films, he learns not one lesson.

Every film he defies the wishes of the government and gets away with it. In Revenge of the Fallen he flat out cheats on Mikaela in his first week away from home. And gets caught in the act. And when his new, way too hot for him girlfriend in Dark of the Moon begs him to please not get himself involved in a civil war between 20 foot alien robots he says too bad and does it anyway. And within a half hour of any of this these girls are back in love with him. In fact in Revenge of the Fallen, I don’t think Mikaela takes more than five minutes before she forgets about the fact her boyfriend just made out with some chick behind her back. It’s like watching the same shit play out over and over again with this guy. The writers don’t achieve in three movies what the animated Transformers movie did in one.

EYE-CANDY

Saying the animated Transformers Movie had good eye candy is like saying Dungeons and Dragons is a good way to pick up chicks. I guess if you’re a sentient machine, the sight of Arcee and her Princess Leia buns might get you off but even then she’s pretty annoying and achieves basically nothing throughout what is essentially the most pivotal war in Transformers history. Also I’m not a sentient machine so who cares.

Megan Fox on the other hand, can give a corpse an erection. Rose Huntington-Whitely might have come in to round the trilogy off but this is Fox’s franchise. It was hers since she opened the hood of that car and solidified when a million nerds made animated gifs out of her straddling a motorcycle. And Michael Bay might direct action scenes like he’s jacked up on methamphetamines and there’s a Motley Crue video playing in his head, but if there’s one thing he can do it is objectify the female form. I’m quite frankly shocked that he didn’t have her deliver all of her lines while suggestively eating bananas.

AWESOME FUCK YEAH MOMENT

Scientists in labs have done specific research and concluded that there is literally no greater “Fuck Yeah” moment in the history of film, than when in the animated Transformers Movie, Prime stands awkwardly in front of the Autobot shuttle and states:

“Megatron must be stopped, no matter the cost”

And then goes on a rampage, laying waste to everything in sight as if he was Mel Gibson at a homosexual’s Bah Mitzvah. All of this culminating in the iconic final fight to the death between himself and Megs. Rocky could have beaten Apollo Creed, Ivan Drago, Mr. T and Third World Poverty with a single southpaw hook and it would have paled in comparison. Whenever I watched this scene as a kid my imagination got a boner.

Of course all of Prime’s good work is undone by Hot Rod, who watches Prime decimate every Decepticon within a ten mile radius without so much as breaking a sweat, and then for some reason decides that an unarmed Megatron who is on his knees with Prime’s ten foot cannon pointed at his head, might be a problem. A problem that is, that can be remedied by jumping in front of Megs like a human shield and allowing him to pick up a gun of his own to blast away at Prime with until he verges upon death. Real fucking smooth Hot Rod. You can pay a hardened Navy Seal a million dollars to watch this scene and not put his head in his hands and shake his head and he will not be able to do it.

OPTIMUS PRIME

Prime is the most iconic figure in the Transformers mythos. There were those that were arguably more influential throughout the canon but none that caught the imagination of a kid (or twenty-something year old nerd) like he did. And the 1986 animated Transformers movie captured that perfectly. It’s easy to forget that he’s only in the film for about twenty minutes. He gets killed off by Megatron pretty early on. But within that span of time, he avenges about half of the Autobot population, shows up with the Dinobots to prevent leaving a thousand brothers hanging, single-handedly decimates some of the more renowned Decepticons (by pretty much just driving into them) and then in his coup de grace breaks his foot off in Megatron’s ass to a Stan Bush track. His legacy then lingers over the rest of the movie as some try to reconcile and move on from his death, while others do their best to accept the destiny he had in mind for them.

Not quite the case with Michael Bay’s films, which make him look like an idiot who is capable at times of slight heroism. But mostly the idiot thing. Let’s get this straight right off the bat: in the Bay films, Prime gets beaten like an erection by every major villain he comes across. He gets his ass handed to him in three straight films. In the first film Sam has to save him with the cube of convenient screen-writing, in the second he is torn to pieces and literally killed, and in the third it takes an act of massive back-stabbery from Megatron to eliminate the threat that he was COMPLETELY powerless to stop. He also gets to bungle around Sam’s back garden like a roofied sorority sister after her first kegger.

No need to address the flames on Prime’s paint job.

PRIMARY VILLAIN

It is a long held theory in film that an action film can only be as good as its primary villain. It’s why The Dark Knight was so great. And why the scene where Hans Gruber pretended to be American was so important in Die Hard. So let’s look at what we’re dealing with in this regard for both films.

It could be argued that in Michael Bay’s Transformers films, the primary villain is Michael Bay. That guy is a disaster. The Decepticons do their best to give us exciting action scenes but Bay can’t help but direct them like his camera is mounted on a bouncy castle during a ten year old’s birthday party. The final battle scene in the city is shot like Bay wrapped the camera in a rig made out of honey, yelled action, and then tossed it to a couple of bears he had brought in from the zoo. You can’t make out a god damn thing. I’ve seen Japanese tentacle rape porn with better framing. Hugo Weaving does great work voicing Megatron, but by the end of the third movie he is relegated to playing puppet master and then fantastically being tricked by Sam’s girlfriend. A good indicator of the esteem Megs held by the end of the franchise is that when finally, the Autobots are being laid to waste and planet Earth colonized by the Cybertronian starships, he is sat on his ass, missing an arm, in an alley.

Everyone knows that the 1986 animated Transformers movie can be pretty cleanly split between the first third and second two thirds. In the first part Unicron lingers in the background and Megatron is the primary villain. And he is awesome. Perfect. Any time Megs is talking is considered downtime for him. Otherwise he is tearing ass. He enters the movie by blowing a hole through an Autobot shuttle and then decimating the crew, making Ratchet bleed smoke from his eyes and then in his crescendo he destroys a pleading Ironhide without a second thought. It is not shown but over the rest of the journey, as they travel to Earth, Megatron kills at least fifteen Decepticons just because he is antsy and that kind of mass carnage is the only way to settle his nerves.

After the battle with Prime, Soundwave commits what is even for him, an epic act of brown-nosing by carrying Megatron’s limp carcass in retreat to safety. Once in space, Astrotrain proclaims that they must jettison some weight because the dearth of Decepticons in his implausibly and suddenly large chassis is too heavy. In the weightlessness of deep space. In the weightlessness of deep space they have too much weight. Many a science lesson was undone that day. Anyway, Megs gets the shaft and this leads to him becoming Galvatron, who is like Megatron except with a more interesting colour palette a little more gusto, and infinitely better troops. Some of them have mustaches.

And then still lingering in the background is Unicron, who is what Tom Cruise is in Tom Cruise’s mind. He inadvertently unites cultures. He eats planets. He is the most powerful being in the galaxy. Interestingly, there have been several reports following the production of the animated Transformers Movie that the legendary Orson Welles, who voiced Unicron, didn’t give a shit about the film. He recorded the voice work in a day and described the experience as “doing voiceover work for some cartoon where toys beat up other toys”. Ironically, he ended up doing some absolutely stellar work, providing one of the most sinister and ominous villain voices in the history of film. So basically, fuck him and fuck Citizen Kane.

MUSIC

US Special Forces and gypsy bare knuckle boxers all agree that if you don’t beat the shit out of someone to Stan Bush’s “Dare” then you are a pussy. It is actually in the Guinness Book of World Records for “Most Awesome Song of All Time”. If a girl listens to it ten times in a row she is automatically pregnant. These are just some of the facts about “Dare”. It is a masterpiece. Jean Claude Van Damme had it play at his wedding. Standing within twelve feet of a jukebox that carries the song is actually in violation of most celibacy pacts.

And there is also “The Touch”, which is also by Stan Bush and accompanies Optimus Prime’s rape buffet. Many of you will remember Mark Wahlberg’s character bending the song over and abusing it from behind in PT Anderson’s seminal Boogie Nights.

Fun fact! This song was actually originally written for the Stallone flick, Cobra.

What should also not be overlooked are Lion’s incredible metal Transformers theme from the opening credits, and the ingenious use of Weird Al’s “Dare to be Stupid” on Planet Junkion.

Before getting to Michael Bay’s abominable MTV soundtrack in the modern trilogy it is important to note that the immortal Stan Bush, in between deflowering virgins and drinking unicorn blood, took the time out of that busy schedule to record songs for Bay’s Transformers including a reworking of “The Touch”, and a new track called “Till All Are One”. He did that shit on spec. No one asked him for it, he just went and did it as a kind gesture. Bay neglected to use either

I don’t actually know how, as Michael Bay, you recover from that. There might be a way, I’m just saying I don’t know what it is. It definitely isn’t putting Sam’s parents in matching tracksuits though. So the questions are still out there on that one. But he went for a collection of Linkin Park, Goo Goo Dolls, and whoever else his assistant told him was “hot” that particular week. I have nothing against the Goo Goo Dolls. Saying I liked “Iris” got girls to think I was sensitive when I was in high school, just like it did every other guy I know, but at the end of the day we’re comparing those guys to Stan Bush, whose voice is a combination of peak heavy metal, a chorus of Angels, and the whispers of Jesus.

I’ve rambled on for over two thousands words about Transformers now and I’m not sure what that says about me as a person, what this will make you think about coming back to Ashley’s site, or whether I will ever have sex again, but I feel pretty confident that I have made my point for why the new Michael Bay movies are a horrible representation of what a movie about Transformers should look like.

But then again…

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WOW

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Marie Claire Italia photographed by Thomas Krappitz  

Oscars Best and Worst (Accurate version)

Pretty telling how diametric girls’ and guys’ views are given that nonsense I just read in ashley’s post about fashion at the Oscars. I have to jump in here now and give a quick accurate version of the best and worst. Let’s get the formalities out of the way first: Kate Upton won the Oscars. Straight up. Here she is:

And here’s Ashley’s favourite once again: Gwyneth Paltrow (who is actually the worst dressed person I have ever seen)

Seriously? Is she a fucking super hero? Was she concerned she may be called away to a crime and might not have the requisite time to change before she got there? I hate you Gwyneth Paltrow

 

Oscar best and worst.

So unfortunate that this years Oscar is filled with ugly outfits.
Sacha Baron Cohen. YUCKS. The facial hair itself is a turn off. We get it, you’re in character but please.. you’re at the Oscar. I’m sure your character would have wanted to look sharper than this facial pubes.

Initially I was only gonna post one of each of the best and worst outfit, but I just can’t ignore how terrible this is. Anna Faris in a DVF dress. She looks like she’s wearing a garbage bag.

And now my fav dress belongs to..

She looks stunning in Tom Ford. It’s simple and elegant, love it!

Not at the Oscar, but a Vanity Fair Oscar Party. I love this dress by Prabal Gurung. I have a thing for sheer dresses 🙂

x

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Boy views.

Not too long ago I was talking to a friend who was visiting from Sydney about how pretty I thought this girl was. He said something that never really occurred to me until then.. he said “I don’t think she’s that pretty”.. 0_0 His reason was because the two times he met her she was wearing the “high pants thing”. I found this quite shocking considering what she was wearing had nothing to do with how her face looks, on top of that I thought she looks really good in high waisted outfits. Anyway, our other friend then said to me guys really hate high waisted pants/shorts/skirts u name it they hate it. I always assumed that they would like it coz girls love it! It looks nice and classy, gives us a flattering figure too.

I thought these guys must have bad taste in fashion, after all what do they know?? They are boys! But I sat down with a few other male friends, asked them what they thought .. here goes..They ALL hate it too!! They say it makes our butts look bigger!!! WTF?

This is pretty big news to me because I love these damn skirts and shorts! I like wearing them to dinner and I like wearing them clubbing, it’s comfortable and so easy to wear! This got me thinking what other outfits they hate too, and its pretty shocking.

I think Coco looks good in this outfit.

Back when Coke was only 5 cents! I think this cartoon lady looks pretty fab.

Apparently boys really hate all the cute little outfits that we seem to love so much.

They hate tube dresses/tops. Personally i’m not a fan of this fashion but i’d wear one if the outfit is something I really like..however I only own one or 2 pieces. The most common reason as to why the boys hate tubes so much is not because it looks bad on us. Rather, we give it a bad look every time we pull up the dress/top so it doesn’t fall off. HAH. This is also the main reason I don’t like wearing tube outfits coz my boobs are too small for it and I don’t feel comfy having to pull it up all night when all I want to do is enjoy myself without worrying about flashing everyone in the room.

See me in the tube dresses? The blue-ish one is actually really nice. Its really tight at the top so I never have to worry, it’s actually a jump suit with a long flowy tail. I wore it just a while ago and my friends hated it.The other picture above was taken in SG with my girls. Mels and I both wore strapless dresses. I think we both look pretty good in it. The dress i’m wearing isn’t even mine, it’s my lil sis’ and although it looks like its about to fall off, it’s actually pretty safe and I didn’t spend any time at all pulling my dress up, my hands were up in the air woohoo.

I wore this to a wedding and my friends BF complimented the dress. Its weird, basically the dress is pretty much a tube dress except with another sheer top layer over it. WHATS WRONG WITH U GUYS??? I’m 100% sure that if Miranda Kerr, Megan Fox or whichever supermodel wore a tube dress you boys will think it looks amazing! It has nothing to do with the dress, more like the person or the action.. you’ll never see the models pull their dresses up coz u only see them in pictures or movies! HAHA

They don’t look bad in it do they??

x

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A History of Rihanna’s Horrible Wardrobe Choices

There have been those who have tried, but they have all failed. None have even come close to combining the a) hotness and b) atrocious level of fashion acumen that Rihanna does on a video-by-video basis. Lady Gaga prances her tawdry vagina around town wearing a prom dress made out of polythene and lamb chops but she’s ugly so no one cares. Madonna in her prime probably came close but everyone knew that at any given time she had a Hollywood producer’s penis in her to the degree that nowadays if you try to nail her it’s like throwing a javelin down a hotel corridor. Rihanna on the other hand, is gorgeous. And terrible at fashion in a way that makes woodland animals weep.

Let’s re-live her most important wardrobe choices!

#10 – YOU DA ONE (Bowl Cut Rihanna)

The only thing worse than a chick with a bowl cut is two of them. So if you hate your penis then this video is pretty much a dream come true for you. This whole video is a god damn train wreck. I don’t think there’s any overarching plot, but then again I watched about six seconds of it, and through the cracks in the fingers that I wrapped with vice-like intensity over my face.

You know, the more I look at that picture I capped from the video, the more I think the director of this thing might have been the Antichrist.

I don’t understand it. I have to assume Rihanna chooses these outfits and so the only viable explanation is that she hates men everywhere. That or she is involved in some cosmic wager with God over how garbage she can look and still remain the universally accepted hottest chick on the planet. Because there’s just no way any working music video director was given the blank canvas of Rihanna to work on and choose to make her look like a chinese leopard as viewed on a world war one television set. It would be like finding a Michael Jordan rookie card and using it to wipe your ass.

#9 – DISTURBIA (Zombie Prison Rihanna)


If there’s a sure fire way to make sure you look like shit it is to put on a short blond wig that looks like it was made out of starched horse pubes, and a set of creamy iris-less contact lenses. The lip stick also, is terrible. And now that I look at it, the collar.

I’m not sure what the intentions for the video were here, but it basically seems to take place in some kind of dungeon where experiments are done on what exactly a human male can sit through before he is no longer able to strike a working erection. The story goes something like this: someone playing a piano, then we see a dude on steroids and then Rihanna turns around in her wig and hello adult impotence.

#8 – RUDEBOY (All The Colours of the Rainbow Rihanna)

I can take the retarded colour scheme and the legs that could choke a donkey but you lose me at full body leopard print suit straddling a lion. She does a similar thing later on sitting on a zebra. It’s not much better. In fact, it is infinitely worse.

#7 – TAKE A BOW (Too Much Make-Up Rihanna)

I feel that where the make-up people went overboard here, the song concept people sold themselves a little short.

Oh, And the award for
The best liar goes to you
For making me believe
That you could be faithful to me

There is just too much of this stuff. Look, sooner or later girls need to accept that were it not for the advent of lying and the willingness of guys to wield it, the human species would probably be like six people right now. If we told you the truth from day one you wouldn’t give us the time of day. We have to lie. And I’m sure you’re outraged by that but let’s face it: you lie too. All that fucking make-up. And the bra that taunts both biology and physics. You do not look like that. One girl I hooked up with at university when I saw her in the morning after taking off her make-up looked like a fucking hand.

#6 – UMBRELLA (Silver Rihanna)

Naked and covered in paint is, I think, a massively overrated concept. My issue basically, is, why not just naked?

“Umbrella” is pretty much Rihanna’s best song, in so far as it is tolerable and it doesn’t encourage you to hemorrhage internally like many of her others. It won Best Video at the 2007 MTV Music Video Awards. But oh yeah, that’s right, we were talking about the look.

It is tribute to how truly god awful  Rihanna has looked in some of her videos that her naked, with short hair greased to the nines, covered in silver paint in a way a chick is killed in a James Bond movie, almost scrapes its way into the top 5. Don’t be fooled, full body paint is terrible. Stop doing it.

#5 – WE FOUND LOVE (Topless in a denim jacket Rihanna)

I’ve been victim to my vices for most of my life, so this video actually, on a serious note, speaks to me. You get way too much idealized love nowadays in commercial media. I feel and have had the experiences to say with a bit of authority that the truest love involves two people who just meet and sparks fly and fuck the consequences or hell, the rest of the world. However, with that said I think I’m moving a little too close to a serious piece of writing that gives you some idea of who I really am and whatnot here so I’m gonna say Rihanna is topless and cut that shit out.

This is the video that made Ireland very happy, as she spent much of the filming running about a field completely sans tops for all and sundry to see and download to their memory for later use.

I also enjoy videos where Rihanna is all in love with dudes who look like complete and utter douche bags. I mean, in this one the guy has bleached blond hair. He’s a penchant for Ashton Kutcher movies and a popped collar away from being my least favourite person on the planet already.

#4 – PON DE REPLAY (Original Rihanna)

See, this video just annoys me now. This was her first song, first video, and I still remember when I saw it and fell in love. She looks great and no one knew who the hell she was. But now nine out of ten songs played on the radio are by her and you can sing “ella-ella-ella-ay” and an unborn baby still in the womb will know what you’re talking about. I fucking hate that.

This video has zero in the way of theme or narrative. It’s pretty much just her dancing in a club and singing the song. I don’t understand any of what’s going on here but she’s wearing pig tails and a top that reveals cleavage pirates could hide their treasure in. Big native American ear-rings say a chick is down for some experimental shit, so yeah, this look has more or less everything I’m looking for.

#3 – DON’T STOP THE MUSIC (I Dare You Not To Rape Me Rihanna)


It was the great Louis CK who once defended rape by arguing, if you don’t want to have sex with me, what else am I supposed to do? In this video Rihanna spends three minutes testing that argument by having – for once – normal person hair, and wearing a dress that gives the kind of boner a midget could do a pull-up from.

There’s not much by way of storyline in this one, as she just basically prances around a club being hotter than the god damn sun. It’s a simple black dress, and a couple of gold bangles. Coming from someone who knows less than zero about fashion, you will be happy to hear that I give my stamp of approval to this look.

#2 – SOS (Just Before I Slept With Half of Hollywood Rihanna)

Second video. Now she’s known and her videos have top tier production value. Also, green is this chick’s colour. And this is the last time any of us will see her before she officially becomes one of the biggest artists on the planet and therefore, we can safely assume, fucks like half the people in Hollywood.

How I know that green is this chick’s colour is that I’m loving how she looks even though she is wearing the one item of clothing that I hate more than anything in the world: the dreaded strapless top thing. I think we’ve adequately covered the issue with this horse shit garment and now that I’m reflecting on it, it seems Rihanna’s hotness is so great that she can overrule some terrible fashion choices. I mean the leopard print bowl cut thing is just a bridge too far, but maybe I need to change my stance on the strapless thing. If you’re so hot you can make grown men pass out, you can possibly get away with strapless tops.

#1 – WHAT’S MY NAME? (Dream Girl Rihanna)


Scientists have conducted studies and found that the hottest a girl can ever look is with red hair. They don’t know why; no one does. But you can’t argue with what has been established as scientific fact. Red hair is hot. It’s just a chance miracle of aesthetics. You put red hair on a chick who clearly was not born with it and wonderful things happen.

I don’t know which studio goombas decided Drake’s Scooby Doo face was anything other than disturbing but here he is in the video leering and sweating over Rihanna like R.Kelly at recess, nevertheless.

The storyline of this video is that Rihanna meets Drake in a convenience store and then I fall in love with Rihanna and pass out on to the floor. Somewhere around the end of the video the whole thing relocates to some kind of satanistic park techno show, where a bunch of dudes with medieval drum kits and shit play music while red mist reminds everyone that Drake is the devil.

I hope you have enjoyed this historical discourse into Rihanna and her wardrobe choices over the past 5-6 years. I personally feel like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders as finally, someone has done what we all have known for a while now, was really, really, really important.

Basically, the important conclusion that needs to be drawn here is that Drake is the devil.

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Happy Valentines Day!

Happy Banging!!

Someone asked me “is there such a thing as sad banging?” The answer is YES! That’s when u get raped.

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