There have been those who have tried, but they have all failed. None have even come close to combining the a) hotness and b) atrocious level of fashion acumen that Rihanna does on a video-by-video basis. Lady Gaga prances her tawdry vagina around town wearing a prom dress made out of polythene and lamb chops but she’s ugly so no one cares. Madonna in her prime probably came close but everyone knew that at any given time she had a Hollywood producer’s penis in her to the degree that nowadays if you try to nail her it’s like throwing a javelin down a hotel corridor. Rihanna on the other hand, is gorgeous. And terrible at fashion in a way that makes woodland animals weep.
Let’s re-live her most important wardrobe choices!
#10 – YOU DA ONE (Bowl Cut Rihanna)
The only thing worse than a chick with a bowl cut is two of them. So if you hate your penis then this video is pretty much a dream come true for you. This whole video is a god damn train wreck. I don’t think there’s any overarching plot, but then again I watched about six seconds of it, and through the cracks in the fingers that I wrapped with vice-like intensity over my face.
You know, the more I look at that picture I capped from the video, the more I think the director of this thing might have been the Antichrist.
I don’t understand it. I have to assume Rihanna chooses these outfits and so the only viable explanation is that she hates men everywhere. That or she is involved in some cosmic wager with God over how garbage she can look and still remain the universally accepted hottest chick on the planet. Because there’s just no way any working music video director was given the blank canvas of Rihanna to work on and choose to make her look like a chinese leopard as viewed on a world war one television set. It would be like finding a Michael Jordan rookie card and using it to wipe your ass.
#9 – DISTURBIA (Zombie Prison Rihanna)
If there’s a sure fire way to make sure you look like shit it is to put on a short blond wig that looks like it was made out of starched horse pubes, and a set of creamy iris-less contact lenses. The lip stick also, is terrible. And now that I look at it, the collar.
I’m not sure what the intentions for the video were here, but it basically seems to take place in some kind of dungeon where experiments are done on what exactly a human male can sit through before he is no longer able to strike a working erection. The story goes something like this: someone playing a piano, then we see a dude on steroids and then Rihanna turns around in her wig and hello adult impotence.
#8 – RUDEBOY (All The Colours of the Rainbow Rihanna)
I can take the retarded colour scheme and the legs that could choke a donkey but you lose me at full body leopard print suit straddling a lion. She does a similar thing later on sitting on a zebra. It’s not much better. In fact, it is infinitely worse.
#7 – TAKE A BOW (Too Much Make-Up Rihanna)
I feel that where the make-up people went overboard here, the song concept people sold themselves a little short.
Oh, And the award for
The best liar goes to you
For making me believe
That you could be faithful to me
There is just too much of this stuff. Look, sooner or later girls need to accept that were it not for the advent of lying and the willingness of guys to wield it, the human species would probably be like six people right now. If we told you the truth from day one you wouldn’t give us the time of day. We have to lie. And I’m sure you’re outraged by that but let’s face it: you lie too. All that fucking make-up. And the bra that taunts both biology and physics. You do not look like that. One girl I hooked up with at university when I saw her in the morning after taking off her make-up looked like a fucking hand.
#6 – UMBRELLA (Silver Rihanna)
Naked and covered in paint is, I think, a massively overrated concept. My issue basically, is, why not just naked?
“Umbrella” is pretty much Rihanna’s best song, in so far as it is tolerable and it doesn’t encourage you to hemorrhage internally like many of her others. It won Best Video at the 2007 MTV Music Video Awards. But oh yeah, that’s right, we were talking about the look.
It is tribute to how truly god awful Rihanna has looked in some of her videos that her naked, with short hair greased to the nines, covered in silver paint in a way a chick is killed in a James Bond movie, almost scrapes its way into the top 5. Don’t be fooled, full body paint is terrible. Stop doing it.
#5 – WE FOUND LOVE (Topless in a denim jacket Rihanna)
I’ve been victim to my vices for most of my life, so this video actually, on a serious note, speaks to me. You get way too much idealized love nowadays in commercial media. I feel and have had the experiences to say with a bit of authority that the truest love involves two people who just meet and sparks fly and fuck the consequences or hell, the rest of the world. However, with that said I think I’m moving a little too close to a serious piece of writing that gives you some idea of who I really am and whatnot here so I’m gonna say Rihanna is topless and cut that shit out.
This is the video that made Ireland very happy, as she spent much of the filming running about a field completely sans tops for all and sundry to see and download to their memory for later use.
I also enjoy videos where Rihanna is all in love with dudes who look like complete and utter douche bags. I mean, in this one the guy has bleached blond hair. He’s a penchant for Ashton Kutcher movies and a popped collar away from being my least favourite person on the planet already.
#4 – PON DE REPLAY (Original Rihanna)
See, this video just annoys me now. This was her first song, first video, and I still remember when I saw it and fell in love. She looks great and no one knew who the hell she was. But now nine out of ten songs played on the radio are by her and you can sing “ella-ella-ella-ay” and an unborn baby still in the womb will know what you’re talking about. I fucking hate that.
This video has zero in the way of theme or narrative. It’s pretty much just her dancing in a club and singing the song. I don’t understand any of what’s going on here but she’s wearing pig tails and a top that reveals cleavage pirates could hide their treasure in. Big native American ear-rings say a chick is down for some experimental shit, so yeah, this look has more or less everything I’m looking for.
#3 – DON’T STOP THE MUSIC (I Dare You Not To Rape Me Rihanna)
It was the great Louis CK who once defended rape by arguing, if you don’t want to have sex with me, what else am I supposed to do? In this video Rihanna spends three minutes testing that argument by having – for once – normal person hair, and wearing a dress that gives the kind of boner a midget could do a pull-up from.
There’s not much by way of storyline in this one, as she just basically prances around a club being hotter than the god damn sun. It’s a simple black dress, and a couple of gold bangles. Coming from someone who knows less than zero about fashion, you will be happy to hear that I give my stamp of approval to this look.
#2 – SOS (Just Before I Slept With Half of Hollywood Rihanna)
Second video. Now she’s known and her videos have top tier production value. Also, green is this chick’s colour. And this is the last time any of us will see her before she officially becomes one of the biggest artists on the planet and therefore, we can safely assume, fucks like half the people in Hollywood.
How I know that green is this chick’s colour is that I’m loving how she looks even though she is wearing the one item of clothing that I hate more than anything in the world: the dreaded strapless top thing. I think we’ve adequately covered the issue with this horse shit garment and now that I’m reflecting on it, it seems Rihanna’s hotness is so great that she can overrule some terrible fashion choices. I mean the leopard print bowl cut thing is just a bridge too far, but maybe I need to change my stance on the strapless thing. If you’re so hot you can make grown men pass out, you can possibly get away with strapless tops.
#1 – WHAT’S MY NAME? (Dream Girl Rihanna)
Scientists have conducted studies and found that the hottest a girl can ever look is with red hair. They don’t know why; no one does. But you can’t argue with what has been established as scientific fact. Red hair is hot. It’s just a chance miracle of aesthetics. You put red hair on a chick who clearly was not born with it and wonderful things happen.
I don’t know which studio goombas decided Drake’s Scooby Doo face was anything other than disturbing but here he is in the video leering and sweating over Rihanna like R.Kelly at recess, nevertheless.
The storyline of this video is that Rihanna meets Drake in a convenience store and then I fall in love with Rihanna and pass out on to the floor. Somewhere around the end of the video the whole thing relocates to some kind of satanistic park techno show, where a bunch of dudes with medieval drum kits and shit play music while red mist reminds everyone that Drake is the devil.
I hope you have enjoyed this historical discourse into Rihanna and her wardrobe choices over the past 5-6 years. I personally feel like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders as finally, someone has done what we all have known for a while now, was really, really, really important.
Basically, the important conclusion that needs to be drawn here is that Drake is the devil.