Monthly Archives: February 2012

Oscars Best and Worst (Accurate version)

Pretty telling how diametric girls’ and guys’ views are given that nonsense I just read in ashley’s post about fashion at the Oscars. I have to jump in here now and give a quick accurate version of the best and worst. Let’s get the formalities out of the way first: Kate Upton won the Oscars. Straight up. Here she is:

And here’s Ashley’s favourite once again: Gwyneth Paltrow (who is actually the worst dressed person I have ever seen)

Seriously? Is she a fucking super hero? Was she concerned she may be called away to a crime and might not have the requisite time to change before she got there? I hate you Gwyneth Paltrow

 

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Oscar best and worst.

So unfortunate that this years Oscar is filled with ugly outfits.
Sacha Baron Cohen. YUCKS. The facial hair itself is a turn off. We get it, you’re in character but please.. you’re at the Oscar. I’m sure your character would have wanted to look sharper than this facial pubes.

Initially I was only gonna post one of each of the best and worst outfit, but I just can’t ignore how terrible this is. Anna Faris in a DVF dress. She looks like she’s wearing a garbage bag.

And now my fav dress belongs to..

She looks stunning in Tom Ford. It’s simple and elegant, love it!

Not at the Oscar, but a Vanity Fair Oscar Party. I love this dress by Prabal Gurung. I have a thing for sheer dresses 🙂

x

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Boy views.

Not too long ago I was talking to a friend who was visiting from Sydney about how pretty I thought this girl was. He said something that never really occurred to me until then.. he said “I don’t think she’s that pretty”.. 0_0 His reason was because the two times he met her she was wearing the “high pants thing”. I found this quite shocking considering what she was wearing had nothing to do with how her face looks, on top of that I thought she looks really good in high waisted outfits. Anyway, our other friend then said to me guys really hate high waisted pants/shorts/skirts u name it they hate it. I always assumed that they would like it coz girls love it! It looks nice and classy, gives us a flattering figure too.

I thought these guys must have bad taste in fashion, after all what do they know?? They are boys! But I sat down with a few other male friends, asked them what they thought .. here goes..They ALL hate it too!! They say it makes our butts look bigger!!! WTF?

This is pretty big news to me because I love these damn skirts and shorts! I like wearing them to dinner and I like wearing them clubbing, it’s comfortable and so easy to wear! This got me thinking what other outfits they hate too, and its pretty shocking.

I think Coco looks good in this outfit.

Back when Coke was only 5 cents! I think this cartoon lady looks pretty fab.

Apparently boys really hate all the cute little outfits that we seem to love so much.

They hate tube dresses/tops. Personally i’m not a fan of this fashion but i’d wear one if the outfit is something I really like..however I only own one or 2 pieces. The most common reason as to why the boys hate tubes so much is not because it looks bad on us. Rather, we give it a bad look every time we pull up the dress/top so it doesn’t fall off. HAH. This is also the main reason I don’t like wearing tube outfits coz my boobs are too small for it and I don’t feel comfy having to pull it up all night when all I want to do is enjoy myself without worrying about flashing everyone in the room.

See me in the tube dresses? The blue-ish one is actually really nice. Its really tight at the top so I never have to worry, it’s actually a jump suit with a long flowy tail. I wore it just a while ago and my friends hated it.The other picture above was taken in SG with my girls. Mels and I both wore strapless dresses. I think we both look pretty good in it. The dress i’m wearing isn’t even mine, it’s my lil sis’ and although it looks like its about to fall off, it’s actually pretty safe and I didn’t spend any time at all pulling my dress up, my hands were up in the air woohoo.

I wore this to a wedding and my friends BF complimented the dress. Its weird, basically the dress is pretty much a tube dress except with another sheer top layer over it. WHATS WRONG WITH U GUYS??? I’m 100% sure that if Miranda Kerr, Megan Fox or whichever supermodel wore a tube dress you boys will think it looks amazing! It has nothing to do with the dress, more like the person or the action.. you’ll never see the models pull their dresses up coz u only see them in pictures or movies! HAHA

They don’t look bad in it do they??

x

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A History of Rihanna’s Horrible Wardrobe Choices

There have been those who have tried, but they have all failed. None have even come close to combining the a) hotness and b) atrocious level of fashion acumen that Rihanna does on a video-by-video basis. Lady Gaga prances her tawdry vagina around town wearing a prom dress made out of polythene and lamb chops but she’s ugly so no one cares. Madonna in her prime probably came close but everyone knew that at any given time she had a Hollywood producer’s penis in her to the degree that nowadays if you try to nail her it’s like throwing a javelin down a hotel corridor. Rihanna on the other hand, is gorgeous. And terrible at fashion in a way that makes woodland animals weep.

Let’s re-live her most important wardrobe choices!

#10 – YOU DA ONE (Bowl Cut Rihanna)

The only thing worse than a chick with a bowl cut is two of them. So if you hate your penis then this video is pretty much a dream come true for you. This whole video is a god damn train wreck. I don’t think there’s any overarching plot, but then again I watched about six seconds of it, and through the cracks in the fingers that I wrapped with vice-like intensity over my face.

You know, the more I look at that picture I capped from the video, the more I think the director of this thing might have been the Antichrist.

I don’t understand it. I have to assume Rihanna chooses these outfits and so the only viable explanation is that she hates men everywhere. That or she is involved in some cosmic wager with God over how garbage she can look and still remain the universally accepted hottest chick on the planet. Because there’s just no way any working music video director was given the blank canvas of Rihanna to work on and choose to make her look like a chinese leopard as viewed on a world war one television set. It would be like finding a Michael Jordan rookie card and using it to wipe your ass.

#9 – DISTURBIA (Zombie Prison Rihanna)


If there’s a sure fire way to make sure you look like shit it is to put on a short blond wig that looks like it was made out of starched horse pubes, and a set of creamy iris-less contact lenses. The lip stick also, is terrible. And now that I look at it, the collar.

I’m not sure what the intentions for the video were here, but it basically seems to take place in some kind of dungeon where experiments are done on what exactly a human male can sit through before he is no longer able to strike a working erection. The story goes something like this: someone playing a piano, then we see a dude on steroids and then Rihanna turns around in her wig and hello adult impotence.

#8 – RUDEBOY (All The Colours of the Rainbow Rihanna)

I can take the retarded colour scheme and the legs that could choke a donkey but you lose me at full body leopard print suit straddling a lion. She does a similar thing later on sitting on a zebra. It’s not much better. In fact, it is infinitely worse.

#7 – TAKE A BOW (Too Much Make-Up Rihanna)

I feel that where the make-up people went overboard here, the song concept people sold themselves a little short.

Oh, And the award for
The best liar goes to you
For making me believe
That you could be faithful to me

There is just too much of this stuff. Look, sooner or later girls need to accept that were it not for the advent of lying and the willingness of guys to wield it, the human species would probably be like six people right now. If we told you the truth from day one you wouldn’t give us the time of day. We have to lie. And I’m sure you’re outraged by that but let’s face it: you lie too. All that fucking make-up. And the bra that taunts both biology and physics. You do not look like that. One girl I hooked up with at university when I saw her in the morning after taking off her make-up looked like a fucking hand.

#6 – UMBRELLA (Silver Rihanna)

Naked and covered in paint is, I think, a massively overrated concept. My issue basically, is, why not just naked?

“Umbrella” is pretty much Rihanna’s best song, in so far as it is tolerable and it doesn’t encourage you to hemorrhage internally like many of her others. It won Best Video at the 2007 MTV Music Video Awards. But oh yeah, that’s right, we were talking about the look.

It is tribute to how truly god awful  Rihanna has looked in some of her videos that her naked, with short hair greased to the nines, covered in silver paint in a way a chick is killed in a James Bond movie, almost scrapes its way into the top 5. Don’t be fooled, full body paint is terrible. Stop doing it.

#5 – WE FOUND LOVE (Topless in a denim jacket Rihanna)

I’ve been victim to my vices for most of my life, so this video actually, on a serious note, speaks to me. You get way too much idealized love nowadays in commercial media. I feel and have had the experiences to say with a bit of authority that the truest love involves two people who just meet and sparks fly and fuck the consequences or hell, the rest of the world. However, with that said I think I’m moving a little too close to a serious piece of writing that gives you some idea of who I really am and whatnot here so I’m gonna say Rihanna is topless and cut that shit out.

This is the video that made Ireland very happy, as she spent much of the filming running about a field completely sans tops for all and sundry to see and download to their memory for later use.

I also enjoy videos where Rihanna is all in love with dudes who look like complete and utter douche bags. I mean, in this one the guy has bleached blond hair. He’s a penchant for Ashton Kutcher movies and a popped collar away from being my least favourite person on the planet already.

#4 – PON DE REPLAY (Original Rihanna)

See, this video just annoys me now. This was her first song, first video, and I still remember when I saw it and fell in love. She looks great and no one knew who the hell she was. But now nine out of ten songs played on the radio are by her and you can sing “ella-ella-ella-ay” and an unborn baby still in the womb will know what you’re talking about. I fucking hate that.

This video has zero in the way of theme or narrative. It’s pretty much just her dancing in a club and singing the song. I don’t understand any of what’s going on here but she’s wearing pig tails and a top that reveals cleavage pirates could hide their treasure in. Big native American ear-rings say a chick is down for some experimental shit, so yeah, this look has more or less everything I’m looking for.

#3 – DON’T STOP THE MUSIC (I Dare You Not To Rape Me Rihanna)


It was the great Louis CK who once defended rape by arguing, if you don’t want to have sex with me, what else am I supposed to do? In this video Rihanna spends three minutes testing that argument by having – for once – normal person hair, and wearing a dress that gives the kind of boner a midget could do a pull-up from.

There’s not much by way of storyline in this one, as she just basically prances around a club being hotter than the god damn sun. It’s a simple black dress, and a couple of gold bangles. Coming from someone who knows less than zero about fashion, you will be happy to hear that I give my stamp of approval to this look.

#2 – SOS (Just Before I Slept With Half of Hollywood Rihanna)

Second video. Now she’s known and her videos have top tier production value. Also, green is this chick’s colour. And this is the last time any of us will see her before she officially becomes one of the biggest artists on the planet and therefore, we can safely assume, fucks like half the people in Hollywood.

How I know that green is this chick’s colour is that I’m loving how she looks even though she is wearing the one item of clothing that I hate more than anything in the world: the dreaded strapless top thing. I think we’ve adequately covered the issue with this horse shit garment and now that I’m reflecting on it, it seems Rihanna’s hotness is so great that she can overrule some terrible fashion choices. I mean the leopard print bowl cut thing is just a bridge too far, but maybe I need to change my stance on the strapless thing. If you’re so hot you can make grown men pass out, you can possibly get away with strapless tops.

#1 – WHAT’S MY NAME? (Dream Girl Rihanna)


Scientists have conducted studies and found that the hottest a girl can ever look is with red hair. They don’t know why; no one does. But you can’t argue with what has been established as scientific fact. Red hair is hot. It’s just a chance miracle of aesthetics. You put red hair on a chick who clearly was not born with it and wonderful things happen.

I don’t know which studio goombas decided Drake’s Scooby Doo face was anything other than disturbing but here he is in the video leering and sweating over Rihanna like R.Kelly at recess, nevertheless.

The storyline of this video is that Rihanna meets Drake in a convenience store and then I fall in love with Rihanna and pass out on to the floor. Somewhere around the end of the video the whole thing relocates to some kind of satanistic park techno show, where a bunch of dudes with medieval drum kits and shit play music while red mist reminds everyone that Drake is the devil.

I hope you have enjoyed this historical discourse into Rihanna and her wardrobe choices over the past 5-6 years. I personally feel like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders as finally, someone has done what we all have known for a while now, was really, really, really important.

Basically, the important conclusion that needs to be drawn here is that Drake is the devil.

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Happy Valentines Day!

Happy Banging!!

Someone asked me “is there such a thing as sad banging?” The answer is YES! That’s when u get raped.

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The Blake Wright

I stumbled upon the work of this dude  and fell in love with them!

I guess I own a few Fuck Me Pumps.. But i’m pretty certain that the times I do get laid it is never because of my shoes.

There goes my love for honey. poo poo

Thats right Hose!

x

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A Factually Accurate FAQ of Big Trouble in Little China

Is Big Trouble in Little China (hereafter BTLC) the greatest film ever made? More than likely. But don’t take my word for it. There’s a lot of bullshit in film nowadays. Sadly I live in a time now where my kids will get to be floored by Jurassic Park and then see a chick defeat Velociraptors with gymnastics in the sequel, and Vin Disel defeat physics by being more fast and more furious. Like four times in a row. So it is important I feel, that a complete and concise record is kept of a film made back when action films were great. And what better barometer is there for how great a film is, than how much Chinese black magic it contains?

What is BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA about?

When Jack Burton wins a wager against his long time friend Wang, Wang explains that he doesn’t have the cash on hand and he’ll pay Jack later because he needs to go pick up his bride-to-be at the airport. Seeing as how Jack wants his money as soon as possible, he offers to give Wang a ride to the airport. Unfortunately for the both of them (and pay attention to this part because it is dynamite) Wang’s girlfriend is kidnapped because she is a Chinese woman with green eyes, and in order for an immortal sorcerer named David Lo Pan to lift the 2000 year old curse upon him, he must marry her. Now it’s up to Jack Burton, Wang, and a plucky female lawyer to overcome Lo Pan and his three weather-controlling henchmen and save the day!

Who are the main characters?

Kurt Russell plays wise-cracking all-American hero truck Driver, Jack Burton. The greatest movie protagonist ever written. He spends his time complaining about shit on his truck radio, driving his truck, and hanging out in his truck. He doesn’t get out much. But when he does he goes to Chinatown or to the docks, where for some reason he likes to play gambling games with Chinese immigrants who speak little to no English, and are unbeatable at gambling games. He is also an idiot.

Signature quote: “Everybody relax. I’m here.”

Motivation: To get his truck back. And then later, to nail Kim Cattrall. But mostly the truck.

Past accomplishments: A lot of people my age don’t know much about Kurt Russell, save for the fact that he is responsible for bringing Kate Hudson into the world and more recently, got his ass handed to him by a team of chicks in DEATH PROOF.

Actually, let’s do this:

An Abridged Kurt Russell Filmography

Tango and Cash – Russell stars opposite Sly Stallone, as Lieutenant Gabriel Cash, pugnacious and rebellious narcotics officer with a penchant for one-liners and being awesome. He also hooks up with a pre-Desperative Housewives, pre-desperate as fuck Teri Hatcher.

Escape from LA – Here, Russell plays Snake Plissken, the only man on the planet who can save the President, after he crashes into dystopian LA, now a super max penitentiary housing the most dangerous people on the planet. All you need to know is that Russell wears an eye-patch in this one, so you know you’re pretty much guaranteed an Oscar-caliber good time.

Backdraft – Never saw this, but it appears a Baldwin brother has second billing so I’m pretty confident I didn’t miss anything.

The Thing – Russell vs. Alien. Don’t think we need to go further on this.

Stargate – I’ll be honest, don’t really remember this film at all. But I do remember there was a chick who I knew in high school who just would not ever shut up. And I told her she had a mouth like Stargate and she never spoke to me again.

Tombstone – After making a career and life out of being an awesome dude and a badass, Russell was given the role of historically awesome dude and badass; Wyatt Earp. The film traces the events leading to and occurring after the gunfight at the OK Corral. Starring opposite Russell was so awesome that Val Kilmer managed to rouse his soon-to-be-hilariously-obese corpse for one last performance of a phenomenal magnitude that pretty much ended up being the greatest work that he ever did.

Dennis Dun plays Wang Chi, a secret martial arts genius who after spending a fair amount of the film’s duration losing his shit at the mere sight of Chinese triads, by the end of the movie finds that he can backflip like a god damn Chinese acrobat on acid, and perform unbeatable martial arts like he was the secret child of Bruce Lee and Voltron.

Signature quote: “Don’t give up, Jack!”

Motivation: To save his seemingly mute girlfriend, Miao Yin from the clutches of the evil Lo Pan. And then when he realises he knows kung fu, to do lots of kung fu.

Past accomplishments: The world knows little of Dennis Dun before he showed up in BTLC. And when I say the world, I mean IMDb. Don’t get me wrong, I really want to write a good, well researched article here but if you think I’m going to do any more research into this than typing his name into Google, well you’re going to be disappointed. So…

Speculative past accomplishments: Dennis Dun studied at the Chinese University of Acting. He spent his youth working at a restaurant famed for it’s egg foo young and dim sum. Once he saved enough money to follow his dreams of acting in big Hollywood productions, he stowed away on a magical oak ship that took him to Shang Tsung’s hidden island where he would hang on, Mortal Kombat is playing on television at the moment and I’m not sure but there is a chance I may have lost my train of thought.

Kim Cattrall plays lawyer Gracie Law, who suspects something fishy is going on in Chinatown and wants to get to the bottom of it. The real conflict she faces in the film is both hiding and futilely attempting to deny her bourgeoining feelings for Jack Burton. Also, trying to pull off that horrendous cardigan.

Signature quote: “Don’t worry! It’s just me… Gracie Law!”

Motivation: To figure out what’s reeeeally going on. As I wrote earlier. I’ll be honest, I’m not exactly sure how I’m going to make this paragraph any different to that one above. Unless I just write about how I don’t know how I’m going to make it different. You can say what you want about my article choices, but I think we all have to agree I’m a god damn professional.

Past accomplishments: A lot of people forget that Cattrall was in POLICE ACADEMY. Mainly because she was utterly and completely forgettable in it. Before that she was a model. What for? I don’t know, who am I, her agent?

And James Hong plays David Lo Pan. He’s the best. But more about him later.

What is so great about BTLC?

There is nothing that BTLC does not have. There is nothing that you could want from a film upon which this movie does not deliver. It is not so much a piece of cinema as it is a piece of history. There are monsters, one-liners, kung-fu battles, gangsters, triads, 2000 year old Chinese sorcerors, dudes that control the elements with childlike recklessness, a room with hanging corpses called “The Hell of Upside Down Sinners”, magic potions, a dude called ‘Egg’, a rocket launcher, ninja stars, and a medieval hand grenade.

Is David Lo Pan the greatest movie villain of all time?

The obvious answer here is yes. Let’s look at the facts:

  1. He is Asian
  2. He, at his own discretion, is capable of transforming into an immortal seven foot tall giant that wields occult black magic like you or I would drunkenly wield a water pistol, and with the kind of accuracy a drunk shows a urinal
  3. Many thousands of years old
  4. Able to pass through walls at will
  5. Dispassionate killing machine
  6. General apathy towards everything that is not his immediate goal
  7. Head of the National Orient Bank, so obviously a baller in his free time

Of course, there’s his starring role in what is widely considered the greatest nefarious plot explanation scene in cinema history:

What happened to Kim Cattrall?

I can’t think of many instances of more heinous career decisions but they do exist. Cuba Gooding Jr won an Oscar for JERRY MAGUIRE and then played a supporting role in Oscar-winning AS GOOD AS IT GETS, and then parlayed this into starring in CHILL FACTOR opposite Skeet Ulrich. Gerard Butler made 300 and then every single fucking thing he made afterwards. So it’s not unprecedented.

However, to be totally fair to Cattrall, BTLC was a financial disaster, earning less than $11 million at the box office (against a budget of over $25 million), and causing a breakdown in director John Carpenter, who became so disillusioned with Hollywood that he considered he may never make another film again. He did of course, because the bottom line is money is money and film directors get pussy for miles. But it makes some degree of sense to understand that Cattrall figured making good movies was fools’ game. So this happened:

I’ve been having sex with various girls for a while now so I have of course seen more Sex and the City than I would have liked to. That’s just how the world works in its current iteration. It is a barter system that I think we all accept. One summer when I was single I saw 50 FIRST DATES five fucking times. So I’ve seen enough of this shit for me to feel it is well within my right to say that everything this series stands for is terrible. Everything. For a sexually active male there’s not much worse than watching three hags drag their gaping vaginas around Manhattan for forty five minutes at a time, trawling for penis and pondering the eternal philosophical enigmas of “which shoes go with that dress?” or “how can I fuck this dude on the first date without looking like a slut?”

You’ll note that I said three hags and not four. I can handle the brunette one. Charlotte? She’s ok. But the lesbian with the short hair almost single-handedly ruins the reputation of redheads the world over, Sarah Jessica Parker looks like a horse that has not aged well and by this point it is generally accepted that Kim Cattrall’s face is held together mainly by Botox, silly putty and sheer optimism.

Will there be a sequel to BTLC?

Highly and sadly unlikely. As mentioned earlier, the film was a financial disaster at release. It has since gone on to become a rightful cult classic and generally accepted masterpiece. Back in the early 90s it was mooted that a BTLC TV series would go into production and a script was actually both commissioned and written. Obviously, the same universe that showers money and hookers on mongoloid adulterers like Justin Timberlake didn’t see fit to grant a sequel or spin-off TV series to the greatest film ever made, but in hindsight it was probably for the better. There was no way an actor interested in starring in a made for TV series based on a massively unsuccessful movie from the eighties, would ever be able to do justice to the role of Jack Burton. Daniel Day Lewis couldn’t do justice to the role of Jack Burton.

If you guys have any more questions regarding BTLC and the endless string of erections you’re sure to experience in its afterglow, then please feel free to get in touch with more. Preferably about the movie, less so about the other thing.

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Let’s Get Together: A Mixtape for 2011

It’s 2012 now and so I’m being told I should do some kind of best of list to round out the year. But this blog didn’t exist last year and I don’t really care about doing what I’m told so there are two problems right away.

But I definitely am interested in writing something about last year, because that’s pretty much easy content for me to come up with and prevents me from having to some how figure out 3,000 words that I can write about Power Rangers and why if they were so intent on secrecy they dressed only in the colours of the Rangers they morphed into, and, you know, teleported en masse from the middle of the school corridor.

The best films I saw last year were WARRIOR, DRIVE and THE TREE OF LIFE. So watch those, I suppose. Or don’t; whatever. Here’s some music I really dug last year though:


MAC MILLER – “FAMILY FIRST”

Family should always come first. I did an interview recently and they asked me what the most important things I look for in a girl were. I said loyalty, strong family values and an intense hatred of Ashton Kutcher movies. And I mean that. With the new year you should all aspire to appreciate your family more. Or hate Ashton Kutcher more. The two really are interchangeable for me.


BIG K.R.I.T. – “DREAMIN”

The percentage of people right now doing exactly what they wanted to be doing when they were a kid must be infinitesimal. I’m pretty happy with my life at the moment but when I was a kid I wanted to be Tyrannosaurus Rex and if that six year old could see me now sold out and working for the man he would be disgusted. Although the twenty six year old version of myself now looking back thinks what the hell was I thinking I was going to achieve with those tiny arms. Of all the dinosaurs…

I didn’t even get close to my secondary ambition of being a space pirate. Although I feel technology really let me down on that one. It’s 2012. I swear we were supposed to have laser guns and shit by now.


SHABAZZ PALACES – “ARE YOU… CAN YOU… WERE YOU?”

Did you guys all do something great last year? I did pretty much nothing of any note. I’ll try and do something this year. I doubt I will do anything though, as I am a hater and saying I’m a little lazy is like saying Wesley Snipes is a little black.


KENDRICK LAMAR – “ADHD”

I hate ADHD. Not the clinical affliction but the way that by coming up with this term, a forthcoming generation of  kids have an excuse to be stupid and fail at school. Relating to the above point I should have made; don’t blame stuff on ADHD. If you don’t manage to achieve what you had intended to, don’t blame it on ADHD; blame it on being lazy or a shit person.

By the way, this song was the best on what was without a shadow of a doubt the best album of last year and the best Hip Hop release I can even remember.


CHILDISH GAMBINO – “KIDS”

Kids don’t impress me at all. They are inconsiderate and get the maximum amount of credit for the minimum amount of achievement. That’s not what this song is about though. I don’t know how it works for girls exactly, all I keep hearing about is a biological clock that is ticking. But for guys it’s a cyclical nightmare. You meet one girl who lights up the room and then in the space of the next couple of weeks you’ll meet like five more. You’ll fuck it up with all of them because juggling that kind of a situation is a god damn logistical disaster waiting to happen. After that you have no girls and there won’t be any for another three to four months, wherein five come along at once again.

That said I do need to start sorting my shit out because I want to have kids. How many? I have a simple equation. I’m terrible at math, but it goes something like this: if E is the number of kids I will have, then E = the number of babies my wife shoots out before I get a boy + 1.


OPEN MIKE EAGLE – “RIGHT NEXT TO YOU”

On my birthday I got decimated on Whiskey and enthusiasm and when I disappeared into an alley in Bangsar to puke up the equivalent of a small alcoholic child some of my friends came with to make sure I was ok. I threw up all over the wall and asked one of them for a tissue. He said he didn’t have one. I said hey asshole, I need a tissue and its my birthday. He reiterated that he had no tissue. However I would not listen. So he looked around and found one. On the ground. In a puddle. In an alley. He gave it to me with his friend power and I gratefully wiped it all over my face like R.Kelly with a six year old’s panties. Appreciate your friends!


ADD+ – “INSOMNIAC DREAMING”

Here’s a list of the places that I fell asleep this year: my bed, my brother’s bed, my friend louis’ bed, ok beds in general, planes, my car, my dad’s car, my friend jacob’s car, ok cars in general, a metal bench outside a bar in the mother fucking English winter, the ground outside my grandmother’s house, Rootz, the living room floor, a yacht, a hotel lobby couch, a hotel room floor, a train, a tram, multiple cinemas, an alley behind Sri Hartamas.


MF DOOM – “RETARDED FREN”

I always used to feel like my social circle and support group of friends was as strong as its weakest link. That always seemed like a pretty sound way of looking at things. I’ve jettisoned my fair few in the interest of galvanizing things and eliminating the chance that one of my retard friends does something (typically and) monumentally stupid and causes the runoff to fall off and hit me. Or give me new and exciting stressful situations to deal with.

That said though, this year I came to the conclusion that you need some idiot friends in your life. Dumb people do dumb things almost on instinct and these dumb things result in awesome stories. One of my friends broke his wrist on St. Paddy’s day when he thought it would be a good idea after drinking all night to start dancing on a chair. Another puked on – yes, literally, puked on – a girl in a club. Now see I wouldn’t have those stories to tell you, or entertain girls I’m hitting on with, if I didn’t have those mongo friends in my social circle. In fact I’ve actually found that if you have enough stupid stories to tell, you can actually trick a girl into thinking you’re interesting, just by virtue of having a library of those acts of idiocy on hand.


SHLOMO – “PLACES”

Trying to think where I went last year. I was in Pangkor Laut, Bali, Thailand, Singapore a couple of times, Australia for a weekend, and then England over Christmas. One of the times I was coming back from Singapore I got stopped and detained at the border because the immigration officer did not believe that the passport I was carrying was mine. He accused the picture of having different ears and a different nose. And his way of getting to the bottom of things was to hold my ten year old passport and challenge me to name every single place that I was listed to have been to in it. When I went to Pangkor Laut I got sick on a boat and spent the weekend throwing up three times my body’s capacity. But I intend to travel more this year.

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Hello Stranger

Hi all

I’ve been stuck for days trying to figure out how i should write my 1st post. I know it should probably be some kinda introduction or something like that. To be honest, I’m just worried i’d bore the shit out of all of u with my long winded essays.. I have a reputation for my essays!

Here goes.

I’m Ashley and like many girls, I like the same shit. I guess I’m pretty much like everybody else.. although I know many who would disagree. I like weird shit, swear too much and if I wasn’t so weird James and I wouldn’t be so close. I’ve been told that my brain is wired differently from everybody else but I kinda like it that way.

Let me tell you something about my relationship with James, the other contributor to this blog. I met him at work when we both moved to KL from wherever, we got really close and BAM we now have a blog together. He’s a funny guy and likes a lot of the stuff that I like too, although I really think that he thinks I’m crazy half the time but is also really amazed by how awesome I really am considering I look like such a cina girl that manage to surprise him with my taste in music, movies and other stuff. The first time I met him at work my phone rang, my ringtone was Blinded by Third Eye Blind.. that was the moment he probably thought I’m cooler than I looked.

OK enough for now.. I didn’t want this blog to be about ME ME ME thats why I brought James on board :). Also because I find that girls and guys have very different opinion on things! I know thats pretty obvious but i’ll explain next time.

Do you see the resemblance?

 

I know  should have better pics of James considering i’m his BFF but I don’t. GOODBYE